Life In A Tea Cup

Alalalalala
I guess I'm kind of happy. Not entirely sure what to make of it.
Don't know if theres even anything to write.
Can't wait for thursday, last exam, then I'm FREE for xmas!!!!
YUSSSSS!
He's actually quite sweet now that I think about it...

Fuck this shit, its like I fucken set myself up for disaster. Ok, I get it, you got what you wanted, so whats the point in bothering with me anymore. I’m pissed off with myself right now. Partly for believing what people say and that I shouldn’t think that this wouldn’ be like every other time. Guys seem to only ever want me for one thing, this means I get hurt. So whats the fucken point in bothering anymore?!

I will not be used by you, or by anyone, I am not your fucken play thing. I will not be yours to pick up and put down as you please.

Why the fuck did I think you would be any fucken different?! Do I have a fucken sign on my head that says “Please us me for sex” or “Please wank over me while I sleep” or “Please fuck my best friend”? So please, go and do all of the above, it's clearly the way to win my heart.

Severed tongues and glowing eyes
In a threat that comes as no surprise
An expose of pearly lies for our
Paper hero open wide

I happy. Right now I'm really happy.
I went over to Matts last night. He txt me saying he wanted to see me :) He thinks my dimple piercings are cool, which is good! This morning when we got up and he went and had a shower and I didn't really know what to do like, weather I was meant to leave or what. Like when I stayed at Ades is was that kind of wake up and leave asap. So I wasn't sure. When he came out the shower I left and he gave me a kiss, which is a good sign right? At least I think he meant to kiss me, can you proper mistake that? Or am I just thinking too much?
I've got this funny giddy happy feeling, it's kind of scary and kind of exciting. I'm quite looking forward to seeing him on Wednesday, just to see what it's like.
I have so many things buzzing round my head that I just can't seem to articulate.
I just kind of feel like I shouldn't get my hopes up you know? Like I'm expecting something bad to happen. But I'm going to dismiss these thoughts for being happy right this second :)

These are the secrets you will share
These are the words you can not bare
This is the sight you'll never see
And that you have forgotten me
The voice that tempted you away
The deepest hole in which I stay
I miss you most my darkest hour
I'm wondering where the hell you are

Too late to tell you you were wrong
Another word to dwell upon
You could have waited for me
Like I was waiting just for you

The fuse is flicker in his eye
Her touch to blow me open wide
I could have run a million times
But I was waiting for you

And did you ever stop to think
About how low that you could sink
And down the low, our deepest sigh
Within yourself you can not hide

Do photographs and faces lie?
Why did I never wonder why?
Why I was waiting for you?
Why I was waiting for you?
Waiting for you..


God I hate to admit this, but I miss having someone to share things with. Part of me kind of wishes there was someone out there looking for someone just like me.
I just want someone to smoke hash and listen to Oceansize with me, is that too much to ask?!

I want you and you want me but that can't happen and I wish I didn't feel like this.

I'm really happy at college. I've made a few new friends and some old friends I've got to know better. Every lesson I've had some one has made me laugh so much I thought my insides would burst. Being in a class of 10 guys and being the only girl is a lot better than I expected. I can tell my humour is going down hill already. Too many graphic jokes about anal rape and 'manpons'. Plus Rob, the 29 year old who insists on calling me "Mummy" in his high pitched Yorkshire accent. And somehow with every conversation me and Sam have it always goes right back to shit. Nice. Very intellectual course I'm on me. Sam is a bit awesome though, seems like he's always up for a laugh and taking the piss out of himself. We hit it off straight away.
One particular person is making things difficult. Or maybe that's me, I can't decide.
Been looking more at SSR, it started off as a studio in the 80's and the first bad to use the studio then we the then unknown The Smiths. A whole host of other British bands recorded there. It's now the School of Sound and Recording. Or someshit. I keep reading over the course and it looks fucken awesome. I started my UCAS application today. I'm getting really fucken excited. I'll be a qualified live and studio engineer with certificates in Pro Tools and Logic by the end of it. It's also a vocational course so I'll have a job as well. Fuck yeah.
Glad I'm not tied down to anyone at the moment, though the stuff with wankerface I feel I have to laugh about or I will just feel awful. "It was my choice to put your penis in my mouth!" God, what goes through my brain? I think he was right: "we need to stop getting drunk and making out. as much as your amazing and a unique individual...i dont recall any sexual exploits and think its wrong! hahaha. Penis - Mouth? jesus...i have aids" Oh god I have to laugh really.
Basically, I love college at the moment and am enjoying the petty worries of a singleton. Life is good.

I really need a bloody cigarette. I am actually frustrated to tears right now.
So yeah I'm back at BIMM and theres loads of good things about it, theres a pretty boy in my class, my teacher has a 50's style quiff, I'm going to learn how to solder. It's all terribly exciting. There are 5 people returning to the course from last year, and 5 new people. I like all the people returning, we all get on well. I like one of the new people, he's pretty cute. Though he "doesn't want to get involved with another student on the course" Which is fair enough, there is only 10 of us. Oh and I'm the only girl. Which means the bar for humour is set very low. Lots of jokes about anal rape and "manpons" Yum! It's also weird cause theres a clear divide between the old students and the new ones, even though it's not really intentional. I also feel like I've been making a tit out of myself in class. I can't help it, I like this guy and I don't even know why. Eugh so many parts of me wants to dislike him but I have no reason, he's being so nice! Confusion confusion.
Student Finance are being super shit. So pissed off right now.
Oh but Jumping Ships are supporting Twin Atlantic which should be good on Friday :D Looking forward to that!
Oh and my living situation is sorted as soon as I get my loan through!
Well thats all for now.

I have just had one of the most amazing weekends of my life. White Air, high diving displays, lazy stewarding, Bianca, HI VIZ, Jes, electric skateboards, Rowntree's Randoms, old friends, new friends, hot people, lovely drunken people, MEETING SIMON NEIL, Pav Tav, flirting, Biffy Clyro, hugs, Concorde 2, Riff, Timmy, Late nights and early mornings, Sailor Jerry and Lemonade, Tommy, CHICKEN, Last minute trip to London, trains, tubes, buses, ZAZIE, Sid, tempura, duck, pool, spliff, lime vodka, comfy sofa, Zazies comfy bed, Hackney wick, victoria station, looking like lesbians, disgusting sandwiches, Jumping Ships, pretty boys, pretty girls, The Perils, Alfie BMXing, leg ache, back ache, rain, ponchos, yesterdays make up, dancing like fools, photos, memories, and now I have the worst head ache of my life. IT WAS SO WORTH IT.

Smallworld was awesome, a good group f people, some smallworld noobs! Good food, good music, good weather- kind of... It was so good to see Zaz, I have missed her so terribly. As soon as my loan comes through, which could be forever away, I'm going straight to London!! Oh and I might get a tattoo or two, and some high waisted skinny jeans...
It felt like there were some people missing, Steve, Cam, Gareth but it didn't bother too much.
On the day I got back I went to Laurences and finished of my festival drugs... possibly a bad idea but possibly not as I literally can't remember anything that happened... Hahaha Things are really nice and chilled with Laurence at the moment, nothing to worry about really. Though he really does need a hair cut. I like my pretty ginge! I should txt him actually...
Alix P's birthday tonight, should be a laugh, see all my old school mates! Which could be good or bad..
Fucking can't wait to get back to BIMM, got my enrollment through, it's so exciting!!! We have enrollment week and induction week, last year we had Stevie Wonders bassist come in and play shit for us, I wonder what exciting stuff we get this time!!!! Going to post my loan forms today, hopefully it'll all work out in time...


run tommy run
did you get all you want?
did you drink their well dry?
and extinguish all their sunshine?
i didn’t say i felt the same
you just took it as read
as i closed all the blinds and put you to bed
and read you all the last rites

serves as a warning to me
just like most of these days do
cos i just wish you could have just left you there sitting in your own shit
cos i know know that you would me too
see cos i have trawled through all this before
and i bought that skinny T
with a big black gaping hole where the heart should be
that says ‘baby i renounce thee’
but don’t you die on my now

that kiss is now a circus show
that big top tent and neon glow
through spectacles of rainbow red
you never feel your love til it’s dead
yeeaaahhh

arm’s length keep him
i stab but don’t injure
no blood ever pours
empty as a hole and ever depleting

1 and 4 makes us whole
a bankrupcy of love
cannot swim above
empty as a hole and ever depleting

i recoil from the blast
and look around me though
neither friend nor foe
empty as hole and ever depleting


This song is PURE genius. Cheers Mike Vennart you absolute GOD!

So I have a had a few days at my Dads, it's been really cool chilling here, seeing my brrother a lot more. We picked my sister up from the airport thismorning after going there yesterday and realising it was the wrong day. EUGH! Haha.
It's weird, I haven't seen Laurence in a few days and I kind of want to see him! I didn't expect to feel like that. Hopefully seeing him later, though my phones been cut off and so has his so that might make things difficult!
Found myself really looking forward to smallworld! Even though I have literally no cash it'll be really nice to chill out with everyone. I don't need money when I have lovely people! Jes, Riff, Kit, Harry, Dan, Lois, Matt, Leigh, Lucy, Danijela, Robyn, Sheep, Chaz, Chrisby, and anyone else I have rudely forgotten! Should be a right laugh.
Going to see Fink in September with Jes. I can't fucken wait!! He has such a gorgeous voice.
Working at White air fest, stewarding. I don't know what exactly I'll be doing yet but WOOOP!! FREE TICKET!!! BIFFFFY!!!! :D
Oh and I'm working at a gothic Metal festival with Tett!! He's stage managing so I will be his assistant! That should be awesome and I'll gain some experience!
Back at BIMM in October and moving out too! Hopefully with Kelly if she manages to sort shit out with the spare room. Then I will be personal live in spliff roller :) And they have a little dog!!
This should be fucken good yo.

I fixed my blog. I was right, I needed to download Mozilla.
Good Bye Livejournal. You bore me these days.

My fucken blog isn't working so I will post here til I can figure out how to make it work. I like posting stuff everyday so that later I can look back over it and see what I was doing. Sometimes I look over my old livejournal entries. It's really quite cringe worthy. So much has changed and I don't remember writing about things, it's almost like reading my life from someone else.
I had a nice day today. I went up to my Dads and me and Sam and Alfette watched a Ricky Gervais stand up DVD which was surprisingly funny as I don't normally like Ricky Gervais. Had some dinner then Sam dropped me at Jes's with a 20 pack of Malboro and some nice raspberry desert things. We smoked lots and listened to Fink. Going to see him at the Komedia on September 22nd and I can't waitt!!!!
Chilling with Harry and Matt tomorrow cause it's Harrys day off. Then to Kellys house for a smoke while her husband is away. I can't fucking wait to see her. It's been far too long and we are both incredibly useless.
Should be getting my results any day now and I am scared but excited. I can't wait to start getting everything sorted, my loan, my house, new geeky stuff for college, a job!

Oh AND my step-mum bought me the cutest new underwear! Light blue and frilly with polka dots!

I have a terrible feeling I have to download Mozilla to get my blog working again. Balls. I can't be arsed to do it now. Tomorrow perhaps.

Night kids!

I'm feeling really good about everything at the moment, there might be some charity calling work coming up- I spoke to an agency and I got a call from a guy about door to door sales of energy for scottish power or something. It sounds shit doesn't it? But a jobs a job and I don't really care what I do as long as I have an income.
Getting pretty excited about moving out, might be living with Matt the Punk!! :D Which would be fucken awesome as he is a love. I also met Sophie the other day, the girly from Leeds I've been talking about moving with. She was in London to see The Mars Volta and then came down to Brighton the next day to see me and we had a really good day. She seems really lovely but if I can't work the deposit up by the end of August then we can't live together, but I will see her and stuff.

Last night at Hectors House has made me remember why live music is my most favorite thing in the whole world ever.
It was just so lovely to see everyone, I realised what a little network of people i’ve built friendships with over the past few years, it was great even though none of my usual crowd were there.
Yes. I am fucken happy. I would have never been able to do this when Jacks was around, I don't think he gets the whole live music thing, thats why I am fucken glad I am single.
Plus flirting with gorgeous Tom :P Hahaha

So nice to know you care enough to ask how I am. I'm not going to make the fucken effort anymore.

Having a smoke with Emma at mine this afternoon should be lovely.

I can't decide if you are completely hopeless or just trying to hide how you feel.
I well didn't prepare myself for this at all, just didn't over think it and it almost felt like it wouldn't happen.
But it did and here I am. Yesterday I felt awful like I didn't want to get out of bed, that may be due to the hangover from the burlesque night out for Emmas birthday.. I met up with Riff and she cheered me greatly.
And now I feel just numb. Like I've been thinking today about Jacks getting off the plane and stuff, and wondering if Em got on the same flight and just nothing. I can't imagine what they must be seeing right now, but be fucking crazy. I'm very jealous and excited for them. I'm also excited to be friends with Jack when he gets back, right now I can't comprehend any other kind of relationship than what we have cause I've never known anything else, but with time that will change, and i guess this is kind of a really good way to leave things cause it means we will have had a lot of time apart and lots will have changed. I determined that things will change, theres a lot I want to do.
Tomorrow is the start and I am feeling positive, I'm going to print off like 100 C.V's and drop them into every shop, telelsales place, agency bar or restaurant I can find and I WILL get a job.
First I need to re-write my CV though. Tits.
Once I have my job, I will work my ass off full time so I can start to save up the deposit on a house, buy myself some new shorts, trousers, make up, accessories, get a hair cut and my tattoos!
THEN thers BIMM, if I get in, which will be so big and so exciting, I won't have time to think.
I'm feeling really good about this, I'm excited to get my mind of missing people, Em,Zazie, Gosney, Ollie, Gareth (though he was here this weekend which was amazing) and ofc I think I'll miss Jack as well. I do wonder what he's thinking, I don't know why. It won't occur to him to think of me, he's in fucking Thailand, I wouldn't be thinking of him! Haha. Though I hope I am not entirely forgotten straight away.
I am trying to keep in mind that the day before he went I was kind of upset with him, there was something about the way he was acting towards me, I felt SO rejected. I don't want to be angry with him or get into a negative way of thinking about him but at the same time I don't want to idolise him just cause he's in some other country cause I will ending missing him more and I don't want to miss him, I want to get over him.
I just have to keep reminding myself that theres a reason it wouldn't work, we were never really together in the first place, thats not what we wanted, so theres no point in dwelling on it.
But it was different and mismatched and it didn't work and thats why I liked it.
Em will probably be there by now if she wasn't on Jacks flight, I think I'll miss her the most, though I can't wait to have a massive catch up sesh when she gets home, loads of crazy stories about Jack sleeping with some kind Thai man woman beast or something equally as funny.
Any way I am really quite stoned and have been rambling for FAR too long now.
I probably don't mean most of the things I've said.
Before I go I will be cheesy and post some lyrics, this song just came on and I just realised I really like it

If it's on it's on for good yeah
'Coz when it's gone it's gone for good
Let me tell you...

And if you stayed over
You know we would, if we could
Put it back together
Make it good

If I...

Breathe in the future, breathe out the past [yeah]
Savour this moment as long as it lasts
Let me tell you...

Put it back, piece by piece
If you stayed over I'd make it so sweet
I'd make you remember, baby
From your head to your feet

And if you go now, baby
We'll never know how it ends
Make it good

God I'm cool.
Miss you my little BOSWICK one.

God it all seems so clear now. I got really high last night and it just seemed to make sense. We were never friends before this, so this our friendship, it's just the way we work, sex is part of our friendship, the way we are together, thats just the way we work as friends, so we need never be more than just friends.
Ah.
Maybe this was too blatantly clear for me to see earlier.
Finally a way to explain to him that he will actually understand.
Oh well like it fucken matters anyway he's leaving in like 2 weeks!
Back to excel and bugeting, channel lists and CPA's!!!!

Had the most horrible dream last night.
Marcus from big brother and his wife were in my college course at BIMM and we all had a lesson on a boat.
Then a storm came and we were all on deck and a wave smashed me into the railings on the boat and it really hurt, next thing I knew I was in hospital and all of my class mates were dead apart from Marcus and his wife. I cried for ages and ages and screamed and cried. It was horrible.
Well last sound lesson today, should be interesting!!!

Arrrgh!!!
Why is this even pissing me off?!! It really shouldn't.
I don't know why I'm in a bad mood all the time.
Right now I just want to see Jacks. Not that that would make anything better and I saw him this morning.
Everytime I look at the screen I see something that makes me want to smash it.
Stupid fucking college.
Stupid fucking boys.
Stupid fucking brain.
Gahhh.
I want some hash.

If you seriously think for one fucking second that I would consider sitting here waiting for you like a good little girlfriend while you fuck off to Thailand you are sorely mistaken. I will not repeat history for you.

Oh god I am such a fucking sad case. I can't believe I am listening to his favorite song.
I must turn it off immediately.
I fucked it.
Seriously I am a massive idiot.
Yes, John Martyn, thats better.
I sometimes wish I was a little less emotional.
I've been trying so fucking hard. Trying not to get attached. Trying to give him space. Trying to make him feel comfortable around me. Trying not to be my usual psycho self. Trying to be cool. Trying to be relaxed. Trying not to be a manipulative bitch. Trying to hold back. Trying not to blurt out everything all at once. Trying not to scare him.
And still he flips.
And still I'm doing something wrong.
So I don't know what more I can do.
I apologised for myself time and time again. I have to stop doing that I guess.

I love the way he sings this bit
"I know you, I love you
And I can be your friend, I can follow you anywhere
Even through solid air "
Sounds lovely.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want some kind of massive commitment. I don't want to be in love with him. And I know he certainly doesn't want to be in love with me. I just want him to stop chopping and changing his mind around, some kind of vague stability in my life. As right now nothing is stable. My future isn't stable. Not that stability from Jacks really matters right now as he's leaving for Thailand soon. I am so excited for him to go. I am so pleased that he's doing this. I just want to know where that leaves us. I'm expecting him to want to make a fresh start when he comes home. So right now I'm setting myself up for the end. Again. I really do fucking pick 'em.
On the plus side I've just seen he's left me half a spliff in the ashtray :D

Screw this fucking shitty fucking essay. I'll do it in the morning.

I'm in a surprisingly happy mood considering I'm trying to write an essay on copyright, listening to a really cheesy Minus The Bear track.

"You said, 'My life's like a bad movie,'
And I said, 'It's true of all us.'
You said, you said, 'I've got to wake up so fucking early,'
And I said, 'Maybe the directors turned on us.' "

I spoke to Jack and he's coming round tomorrow to hang out with me and Riff (I havent told her yet, I hope she won't mind, I don't think she will, he's bringing hash) Gonna watch Black Books cause Jacks never seen it!!! (What a fucking freak, what kind of loser has never seen Black books?!) And maybe the beach aswell, I think he wants to hype himself up for Thailand. Obv I'm upset he's going, I really pick 'em don't I? But right now I don't care cause everything seems to be looking up for me in despite of another idiot boy going off to find himself only to discover he's just the same idiot but with a sun tan. I may have a job at big green working on a solar stage with Sheep!!! Which I am super excited about cause I've never been to big green before!! Eeeee!!! Nothings definite though.
Oh AND I got a conditional offer for next years BIMM course, if I get an overall grade of a Merit I'll get in, that means student loan for me baby!!! Move out with Lois and Steph with a Jacks on my sofa (he's already made this decision, though he said in my bed- I don't want to get my hopes up though, who knows what it'll be like when he gets back)
I am so excited for end of term!!!! It's gonna be awesome!!! End of term gigs are gonna have such a good atmosphere! Everyones gonna be so happy it's the end!! Hopefully there will be loads of after parties aswell!! We should all go out and crash them!!!! Oh and after our last lesson together we are all going to the pub with Darius our teacher then everyone from the course is meeting up after the Komedia gig on wednesday night to go out drinking and get my teacher trashed!!!! Can't fucking wait. We are a tight bunch when I think about it, spending every day together does that to you I guess!
Oh and my step mum bought me some new underwear, a bra and 3 pairs of pants in the M&S sale, all very impractical and see through so will probably never have the balls to wear them but they are fun to prance around in!! Haha
I should probably get back to this essay as I have just written about as much as I need to write for the assesment only about my mood rather than copyright.
LOVE TO ALL!!!!!!
<3 <3 <3